I come bearing big news: I’ve had my baby!  If you’ve been following me on Instagram or Twitter you’ll already know of my new arrival.  At the end of February our baby surprised us by coming two weeks early; after over 33 hours of my waters spontaneously breaking one morning, my little 7lb 4oz gorgeous boy came into the world.  Say hi to Reuben Louie!

What felt like a never ending pregnancy, with as much anticipation as there were stumbling blocks, it was always impossible to imagine my baby being a reality.  I was so excited to meet my Mr or Little Miss and loved watching my bump grow through the months, but I struggled throughout too.  With my fibromyalgia and sacroiliitis exasperated by SPD, my physical health made life difficult and I hated how much more my body hurt and the daily routines I could no longer do.  Much to my relief the light at the end of the tunnel appeared earlier than I’d expected, and at 38 weeks pregnant my body decided it was time to get the little man out!

Ironically, the last post before Reuben was born I only just published the day before, in which I talked about my birth plan.  As far as I was concerned I had it all relatively panned out; I’d deliver in the birthing pool, lights would be dimmed and it would be all butterflies and birds.  Well I should have known, you can’t schedule babies!  The midwifery unit didn’t happen; I gave birth on a hospital bed, rigged up to a drip in full fluorescent light.  It didn’t turn out how I’d initially hoped it would but it was right how it did happen.

You know when people say you forget the pain the minute you meet your baby?  Well, don’t buy it.  I remember quite clearly the agony and distress I felt that had me vowing it would be the first and last time I’d be entertaining childbirth.  But for a day or two of pain (plus the post birth perineal stitches, the stinging when I peed and the after birth pains) I do admit my little boy was still worth it.  And I still can’t quite believe such a cutie pie is all mine!

When I first had Reuben I was ridiculously anxious.  I cried over nappies and panicked about feeds, and the massive change in life overwhelmed me.  An hour after Reuben was born he was taken into neo natal care and he’s still going to hospital for tests now, so worry has always been at the forefront of my mind.  Giving birth and not having my baby with me until a few days later was difficult, and I struggled the minute he was brought to me on the maternity ward.  With a history of depression I was aware of my vulnerability though I never expected to be hit by post natal anxiety the way I have been.  I worried about properly caring for a baby I barely knew and I’ve constantly clock watched, always switched on and fearing the cries.  Now I’m back on my medication and being open about my problems, I’m much more confident and thankfully feel more relaxed and enjoy my time with Reuben, though I’m not 100% there yet.  Mental health doesn’t mend overnight, and my anxiety is another wound to heal like my stitches and sore tummy.

My new role as mummy is a massive honour.  With a miscarriage behind me and a rainbow baby in my arms I’m so aware of how lucky I am, and I just love the new journey I’m now on.  Being a mother doesn’t define me but I wear my badge with pride.

So I’m thrilled this is the new me!  My other half informs I now quality for milf status (!), I’m just happy I finally have my gorgeous little boy and my body back.  My doctors and midwives tell me I need to make ‘me time’ and what better way to do it than getting back to what I enjoy: blogging.

So, what would you like to see on the blog at the moment?  A lingerie brand you’re keen to read to about?  More bra reviews?  Maybe some baby products?  I’d love to hear your thoughts!